Let's just pretend I posted this on International Left-hander's Day
Aug. 29th, 2025 07:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conulyPoll #33546 Left handers unite!
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 14
Which are you?
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conuly( Read more... )
Day off
Aug. 28th, 2025 08:34 amcosmolinguistI took yesterday off work, probably inadvisably so close to big deadlines but it gave me a chance to meet someone and do ridiculous things I'd need a filter that I don't have any more to describe here in more detail. The tl;dr is that my brain and body feel much better and I slept for eleven hours last night.
Now to get back to work and catch up quick...
DW and Bluesky (and probably others)
Aug. 28th, 2025 07:32 pmconulyare now going to block Mississippi IP addresses.
Link to DW explanation
Link to Tedium post on Bluesky
So, yay, piracy and VPNs all the way?
(I fucking hate this timeline, have I said that lately?)
Link to DW explanation
Link to Tedium post on Bluesky
So, yay, piracy and VPNs all the way?
(I fucking hate this timeline, have I said that lately?)
(no subject)
Aug. 27th, 2025 07:00 pmconuly in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
agonyauntDear Prudence,
My parents preferred my siblings my whole life. I was never abused, but they just weren’t as interested in me. They said my school events were too boring, but went to every game my siblings played in. I had everything I needed at home; I never went without food or essentials. But I didn’t get much attention, and I never got focused on time together like my siblings did.
They gave me a small amount of help with college, but I also took out loans and got scholarships. Both my siblings got fully paid for undergraduate degrees. I got a $200 check to help me with my first home, while both siblings got fully covered 20 percent down payments. They prioritized my siblings emotionally and financially, and eventually, I accepted that it wasn’t changing.
I dealt with this through therapy, and building my own support network of friends. My husband and I are close with his parents. My dad passed away during the pandemic. My mom died suddenly a few months ago, and I’m still processing it. I really wish we could have been close, and knowing that the door is closed forever hurts. She hired a professional to manage her estate, and I assumed she would do in death what she did in life. I didn’t expect to receive much.
Instead, I’m apparently receiving 3/4 of her estate, and an apology. It’s not millions, but it is shocking and I don’t know what to think. My siblings, with whom I’ve had a vague, surface-level relationship as adults, are furious. My husband says it’s late but deserved, while my siblings say it’s selfish and clearly Mom wasn’t in her right mind. Meanwhile, I’m just sad that she didn’t act in life, and instead left me an apology after death. How do I handle this?
—Sad on the Seacoast
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My parents preferred my siblings my whole life. I was never abused, but they just weren’t as interested in me. They said my school events were too boring, but went to every game my siblings played in. I had everything I needed at home; I never went without food or essentials. But I didn’t get much attention, and I never got focused on time together like my siblings did.
They gave me a small amount of help with college, but I also took out loans and got scholarships. Both my siblings got fully paid for undergraduate degrees. I got a $200 check to help me with my first home, while both siblings got fully covered 20 percent down payments. They prioritized my siblings emotionally and financially, and eventually, I accepted that it wasn’t changing.
I dealt with this through therapy, and building my own support network of friends. My husband and I are close with his parents. My dad passed away during the pandemic. My mom died suddenly a few months ago, and I’m still processing it. I really wish we could have been close, and knowing that the door is closed forever hurts. She hired a professional to manage her estate, and I assumed she would do in death what she did in life. I didn’t expect to receive much.
Instead, I’m apparently receiving 3/4 of her estate, and an apology. It’s not millions, but it is shocking and I don’t know what to think. My siblings, with whom I’ve had a vague, surface-level relationship as adults, are furious. My husband says it’s late but deserved, while my siblings say it’s selfish and clearly Mom wasn’t in her right mind. Meanwhile, I’m just sad that she didn’t act in life, and instead left me an apology after death. How do I handle this?
—Sad on the Seacoast
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Circle Updates
Aug. 27th, 2025 05:56 pmhavocthecatJust evening up a bit of subscription/access issues. Drop a (screened) comment if I removed you by accident.
It's heeeeeere!
Aug. 27th, 2025 03:42 pmswan_towerApparently I did not hallucinate a couple of weeks ago . . .
(I opted for the shot where I'm looking pensive rather than trying to smile, because I am atrociously bad at smiling for the camera. There's a reason my author photo features me looking like I'm about to stab somebody; it was preferable to any of the alternatives.)
So, yes: my award came!!! I could have opted to take it with me, but the logistics of getting it packed up -- especially the fragile glass part -- and handed over to me before I left on Sunday were complicated enough that it was simpler to just have them ship it to me. The downside, of course, was that I had to wait a whole WEEK AND A HALF to put my shiny new rocket on display!
. . . hilariously, a rejection for a packet of poems hit my inbox while I was reassembling this.
It's going to live in my office for at least a while, so that I see it every time I come in. Eventually I think I'll move it downstairs to our front room, where visitors to the house will see it, but for now -- nope, it's mine, my preciousssssss.
(I opted for the shot where I'm looking pensive rather than trying to smile, because I am atrociously bad at smiling for the camera. There's a reason my author photo features me looking like I'm about to stab somebody; it was preferable to any of the alternatives.)
So, yes: my award came!!! I could have opted to take it with me, but the logistics of getting it packed up -- especially the fragile glass part -- and handed over to me before I left on Sunday were complicated enough that it was simpler to just have them ship it to me. The downside, of course, was that I had to wait a whole WEEK AND A HALF to put my shiny new rocket on display!
. . . hilariously, a rejection for a packet of poems hit my inbox while I was reassembling this.
It's going to live in my office for at least a while, so that I see it every time I come in. Eventually I think I'll move it downstairs to our front room, where visitors to the house will see it, but for now -- nope, it's mine, my preciousssssss.
[food] today's adventures in EYB indexing: The National Trust Book of Puddings
Aug. 27th, 2025 10:42 pmkaberettSubtitle 50 irresistibly nostalgic sweet treats and comforting classics... featuring "Trinity burnt cream":
Also known as crème brûlée, old recipes for versions of this pudding are found in various parts of Britain and Europe. Its association with Trinity College, Cambridge goes back to at least the nineteenth century.
Despite my documented interest in crème brûlée and, you know, having grown up in Cambridge, I had somehow never come across this before?! And yet it's inexplicably clearly attested on Wikipedia. Nominally this means I should probably be indexing the "Ethnicity" of the dish as "English" as well as "French" but, frankly, je refuse, and even Trinity have the grace to say:
The story that crème brûlée itself was invented at the College almost certainly has no basis in fact.
It's not even like the National Trust is making a point of having all the recipes in this book be of British origin! Clearly-identified non-British culinary sources include Italy, Latvia, and Russia! (... the Welsh- and Scottish-origin puddings have headnotes mysteriously quiet on said origins, though.) AND YET. Crème brûlée! Trinity! Really.
honestly I am impressed we got an approval at all
Aug. 27th, 2025 03:05 pmjadelennoxAmericans, you know how we did just get updated covid vaccines approved, but because of RFK Junior's fuckery, your insurance will only pay for them if you are over 65 or have at least one condition that puts you at higher risk? I want to assure you that almost everyone reading this probably has at least one condition that puts you at higher risk.
The list of conditions includes, among the more obvious things (ie. cancer and immune conditions):
- Disabilities, explicitly including ADHD, autism, sensory disabilities, motor disabilities, any limitations with self-care or activities of daily living
- Depression or other mood disorders
- Any heart condition, any diabetes, any asthma or chronic lung ailment
- Obesity (BMI >30 kg/m2 or >95th percentile in children)
- Smoking, current and former
and last but not least, and, I can't stress enough that this is literally on the list:
- Physical inactivity
My siblings in middle aged (mostly): if any of you have nothing on the list of underlying health conditions, I salute you. Even your kids have a non negligible chance of being covered under that list.
Wednesday the underdesk exercise thing arrived (but needs putting together)
Aug. 27th, 2025 06:08 pmoursinWhat I read
Finished A World to Win, and decided not to go straight on to next.
Read Anthony Powell, The Soldier's Art (Dance to the Music of Time #8) (1966), which is a very different angle on WW2 as Nick Jenkins is stuck in a backwater with Widmerpool. A particularly grim episode in its much quieter register.
Started Elaine Castillo, Moderation (2025) which started out fairly strongly, then hit a saggy point, and then I discovered I'd been a bit misled over its genre position, and anyway didn't feel much like continuing.
Picked off the shelf Susan Kelly, And Soon I'll Come to Kill You (Liz Connors #5) (1991), from the period when I was reading a lot more crime novels like this. It's not bad - at least Our Heroine has a plausible reason for getting mixed up in criminal matters, as a journalist specialising in crime reporting, but she has the almost obigatory for period/genre cop boyfriend. This one was probably a bit atypical of the series as a whole as it involved someone with a grudge against her (there are several suspects for Reasons to do with past reporting etc) stalking her with malign intent.
Andrea Long Chu, Females (2025), because I'd found Authority interesting and read something about this but while I am all for rediscovery of the out-there voices of the 'second wave', riffing off V Solanas was just a bit niche.
Laurie R King, Knave of Diamonds (Mary Russell & Sherlock Holmes, #19) (2025) - Kobo deal at the weekend - seriously phoning it in - scraping the bottom of the barrel -
On the go
Val McDermid, A Darker Domain (Inspector Karen Pirie #2) (2008) for some reason Kobo were doing a serious promotional deal on the McDermid Pirie series at the weekend so I thought, why not?
Up next
New Slightly Foxed perhaps.
You Can Be Warm Without an Embrace
Aug. 27th, 2025 01:11 pmmagid in agonyauntFrom the NYTimes’ Social Q’s; gift link here. Posting because yay for boundaries!
I recently saw an occasional collaborator — with whom I’ve built a nice rapport — at a concert. When I approached him, I instinctively went in for a hug. His body stiffened, and he kept his arms at his sides. I thought: Oh, this was a mistake! I backed off, and we exchanged pleasantries. But his response felt excessive and rude. Should I let this go?
FRIEND
It’s easy to feel defensive — or chastened — when we accidentally overstep with friends. But it is wrong to blame others for our unwanted touching. Your collaborator had no obligation to return your hug or to make you feel better about it. So, to answer your question: No, you shouldn’t let this go. Instead, rethink your instinct to hug people who you aren’t sure will welcome it.
I recently saw an occasional collaborator — with whom I’ve built a nice rapport — at a concert. When I approached him, I instinctively went in for a hug. His body stiffened, and he kept his arms at his sides. I thought: Oh, this was a mistake! I backed off, and we exchanged pleasantries. But his response felt excessive and rude. Should I let this go?
FRIEND
It’s easy to feel defensive — or chastened — when we accidentally overstep with friends. But it is wrong to blame others for our unwanted touching. Your collaborator had no obligation to return your hug or to make you feel better about it. So, to answer your question: No, you shouldn’t let this go. Instead, rethink your instinct to hug people who you aren’t sure will welcome it.
Wanton and dissipation
Aug. 27th, 2025 02:51 pmconulyThem: If you’re familiar with the meanings of wanton and dissipation, could you please describe them in a way that will help me never confuse them with other words or forget their meaning?
Me: Oh, there is no way the comments to this post are going to be helpful.
And I was half right! I was just about the only person to give the asked-for definition of "dissipation". As predicted, everybody else used the science sense rather than the moral decay sense. What surprised me is that they also all defined the word "wanton" in terms of violence rather than sexual promiscuity.
Anyway, I said myself that dissipation (meaning debauchery) is an old-fashioned term and that I'm not quite sure how I even know that one off the top of my head, but then the next day I was re-reading Ancillary Justice and there it is, right in the first few chapters. Seivarden is in a bad state due to her dissipated lifestyle, and that's the word used to describe it. Huh. (But I think I already knew that word before I read the book for the first time.)
**************
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Me: Oh, there is no way the comments to this post are going to be helpful.
And I was half right! I was just about the only person to give the asked-for definition of "dissipation". As predicted, everybody else used the science sense rather than the moral decay sense. What surprised me is that they also all defined the word "wanton" in terms of violence rather than sexual promiscuity.
Anyway, I said myself that dissipation (meaning debauchery) is an old-fashioned term and that I'm not quite sure how I even know that one off the top of my head, but then the next day I was re-reading Ancillary Justice and there it is, right in the first few chapters. Seivarden is in a bad state due to her dissipated lifestyle, and that's the word used to describe it. Huh. (But I think I already knew that word before I read the book for the first time.)
( Read more... )
zero to nuclear?
Aug. 26th, 2025 03:18 pmysobel in agonyauntDear Eric: My wife has three living adult kids from three different fathers — ages 22, 29 and 32. The 32-year-old has a husband and two kids of her own. I allowed all of them to live with us since they couldn’t get along on their own.
Last year, my wife’s fourth adult child died so I inherited her 3-year-old.
We had nine people in our home. I am not their father but tried to give them an opportunity in life until I realized they didn’t want help getting on their feet, they wanted to be taken care of.
So, I filed eviction on all of them. This obviously created some hard feelings and things got very ugly. I’ve decided to cut all ties with my wife’s family due to this which obviously causes problems for her because I will not attend family functions, holidays, etc. Do you think I am wrong to do so?
— Stepfather
Stepfather: My first question is, where is your wife in all of this? I don’t know the financial setup of your marriage, of course, but the home you live in is also her home so one would think that she gets a say in who gets to live there and who gets evicted, particularly if they’re her own children. And maybe there was more joint discussion about the adult children not contributing enough to the household — nine is a lot of people — but it reads like some of these decisions were unilateral and that can cause a lot of conflict.
There are many people who don’t have smooth relationships with in-laws. Sometimes that’s unavoidable. But your wife is your family, and so her family is your family. Refusing to engage with them puts her in an impossible position. Who is she supposed to choose?
You don’t have to let them live with you, but more conversation will be helpful here. Getting into the habit of making joint decisions with your wife, even if it requires more compromise than you’d ideally like, will help your marriage. And finding a way past some of the animosity with her adult kids will help everyone.
Last year, my wife’s fourth adult child died so I inherited her 3-year-old.
We had nine people in our home. I am not their father but tried to give them an opportunity in life until I realized they didn’t want help getting on their feet, they wanted to be taken care of.
So, I filed eviction on all of them. This obviously created some hard feelings and things got very ugly. I’ve decided to cut all ties with my wife’s family due to this which obviously causes problems for her because I will not attend family functions, holidays, etc. Do you think I am wrong to do so?
— Stepfather
Stepfather: My first question is, where is your wife in all of this? I don’t know the financial setup of your marriage, of course, but the home you live in is also her home so one would think that she gets a say in who gets to live there and who gets evicted, particularly if they’re her own children. And maybe there was more joint discussion about the adult children not contributing enough to the household — nine is a lot of people — but it reads like some of these decisions were unilateral and that can cause a lot of conflict.
There are many people who don’t have smooth relationships with in-laws. Sometimes that’s unavoidable. But your wife is your family, and so her family is your family. Refusing to engage with them puts her in an impossible position. Who is she supposed to choose?
You don’t have to let them live with you, but more conversation will be helpful here. Getting into the habit of making joint decisions with your wife, even if it requires more compromise than you’d ideally like, will help your marriage. And finding a way past some of the animosity with her adult kids will help everyone.
possibly the most constructive thing I have actually done today is hunt tomatoes
Aug. 26th, 2025 10:46 pmkaberett-- no wait that's a lie, I also investigated an apple tree. (Unremarkable eating apples.)
But! Tomatoes!
Pictured varieties: Purple Ukraine, Blue Fire, misc green stripey, Orange Banana, Moneymaker. Buried so you can't see it is a Feo di Rio Gordo. I did not get the whole rainbow I was aiming for this year (alas the Yellow Pearshaped all failed, as did the Known green stripey), but I'm nonetheless pleased!
(no subject)
Aug. 26th, 2025 04:11 pmconuly in agonyauntHi Carolyn! I have a 5-year-old, “Jane,” and a 2-year-old. Jane is a highly physical kid and loves to roughhouse. She also ALWAYS is chewing on things that aren’t food. There have been times recently where she has hurt herself doing something that I’ve already warned her not to do and inside I’m just screaming, “I told you so!”
Two examples in the past week: Jane is enjoying running and sliding in socks on our wood floors. I tell her she might bump into something so maybe take the socks off. She ignores me and within a minute has bumped her head and shoulder into the wall and bursts into tears. Last night she was chewing on a pen that had a little pompom on a chain. I tell her to stop or it will break. She continues chewing and somehow latches the clasp on a small gap between her teeth. It gets stuck, takes my husband and me about 10 minutes of holding her down screaming so we can unhook it.
In cases like these, I really want to say something after she calms down, like, “Honey, I give you warnings to stop something because I don’t want you to get hurt.” My husband feels like a lecture after she’s been crying isn’t going to help. Who is right?
— Natural Consequences
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Two examples in the past week: Jane is enjoying running and sliding in socks on our wood floors. I tell her she might bump into something so maybe take the socks off. She ignores me and within a minute has bumped her head and shoulder into the wall and bursts into tears. Last night she was chewing on a pen that had a little pompom on a chain. I tell her to stop or it will break. She continues chewing and somehow latches the clasp on a small gap between her teeth. It gets stuck, takes my husband and me about 10 minutes of holding her down screaming so we can unhook it.
In cases like these, I really want to say something after she calms down, like, “Honey, I give you warnings to stop something because I don’t want you to get hurt.” My husband feels like a lecture after she’s been crying isn’t going to help. Who is right?
— Natural Consequences
( Read more... )
Making coffee in the microwave
Aug. 26th, 2025 06:41 pmcosmolinguistThere's a scene in The Thick of It where someone (I think it's either Glen or Alex Macqueen's character Julius Nicholson) is looking for a radio to put the test match on, and Ollie scofffs that they should just listen online, and Glen says listening to radio online is like making coffee in the microwave.
I immediately loved this.
I can't tell you how it's perfect but it feels perfect.
Anyway my radio stopped working so I'm listening on my phone now and I think about this line all the goddam time.
As with coffee in the microwave, I'd probably rather have none at all than deal with this. It's bad because with the radio I could flip an actual tactile switch, I didn't even have to take my eyes off my work, and now I have to pick up the distraction rectangle and tap tap a bunch on its unhelpful featureless glass carapace to get the music back on, and by the time I've done that I am probably playing games or answering messages.
D had already looked up dab radios when mine started dying, but today he just sent me a link to one and said "I can buy this from Argos, we can pick it up today."
I was torn between finding this very charming and worrying that I'd become so annoying he just bought me a radio to stop my whining about it, heh.
The just-making-it-up school of medical science
Aug. 26th, 2025 05:24 pmoursinWoman on social media claiming that "Cancer is trying to heal, not kill.... A cancerous tumor is basically a bag the human body creates to collect toxins that are contaminating the bloodstream." (Apparently this goes back to 2021? still in circulation because I spotted it in the wild today.)
Apart from anything else here, I'm trying to think how this actually works - okay, it collects the toxins, but she was also saying you shouldn't have operations or get involved with, you know, that nasty actual medicine? In particular that biopsies are Really Really Bad and cause the tumour to explode and spread toxins throughout the body. (This notion derives from one book by a struck-off doc relating to his theories about needle biopsies in the specific case of prostate cancer.)
But what is the mechanism once it's collected the toxins? does it just sit there? does it detach and float away? really one has questions. Does one want a bag of toxins just hanging about on one's body? (Maybe a wartcharmer might be called for?)
I was reminded of the theory, current for centuries, that there was 'good' pus which aided in the healing of wounds, so surgeons were all 'yay laudable pus'.
I wonder if anyone, ever, had the theory re TB, that the consumptive coughing up blood was getting rid of 'bad blood'*, jolly good, restored health is on the way....
*I'm sure I've previously mention my paternal grandmother who was reassuring about my copious and not infrequent nosebleeds in childhood and adolescence on the grounds that it was getting rid of 'the bad blood'. Yes, historian of medicine wishes I'd done an oral history interview about these lingering remnants of humoural theory.